{"id":1068,"date":"2014-07-17T10:06:39","date_gmt":"2014-07-17T10:06:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/192.168.3.178\/?p=1068"},"modified":"2015-01-19T10:07:56","modified_gmt":"2015-01-19T10:07:56","slug":"the-surprisingly-easy-guide-to-surviving-the-planet-of-the-apes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.musicmagpie.co.uk\/blog\/2014\/07\/17\/the-surprisingly-easy-guide-to-surviving-the-planet-of-the-apes\/","title":{"rendered":"The Surprisingly Easy Guide to Surviving the Planet of the Apes"},"content":{"rendered":"

If we told you that apes are going to overthrow humanity and take over the world, you\u2019d probably tell us to calm down and stop watching so many movies.<\/p>\n

But, with Dawn of the Planet of the Apes<\/i> coming out today, there has been a lot of chatter about the actual prospect of our simian friends rising up and enslaving us all. And it makes for quite scary reading…<\/p>\n

The main headline is that Planet of the Apes<\/i> is completely possible in real life<\/a> because, against all better judgement, scientists have been implanting human DNA into animal embryos. They\u2019ve only been working on mice so far, which admittedly makes Biker Mice From Mars<\/i> the more realistic scenario, but apes are just around the corner. And once that starts, it\u2019s only a matter of time before they can handle guns and plan battle tactics…probably.<\/p>\n

So, in preparation for our certain doom, here is the surprisingly easy guide to surviving a planet ruled by apes.<\/p>\n

\n<\/hr>\n

Hoard as many bananas as humanly possible<\/h4>\n

\"bananas\"<\/a><\/p>\n

As intelligent as our ape conquerors may be, no amount of chess and casual slaughter is going to override their primal desire for bananas. Therefore, the man who has the most bananas on the planet of the apes is going to be very powerful indeed. He might not even have to work as a slave!<\/p>\n

So, sell your DVDs with musicMagpie now<\/a> and start buying as many bananas as you can.<\/p>\n

Just remember, though, that the apes might get really angry and steal all your bananas by force. We didn\u2019t say this would be easy.<\/p>\n

\n<\/hr>\n

Stop shaving right now<\/h4>\n

We don\u2019t when the apes will take over the planet. It could be in 20 years\u2019 time, 30, 50 or 100. Either way, if you stop shaving now (that includes you, ladies) you should look sufficiently like an ape to survive when the unfortunate day arrives.<\/p>\n

And if anyone asks why you haven\u2019t shaved, point them this way. They\u2019ll understand.<\/p>\n

\n<\/hr>\n

Marry a monkey<\/h4>\n

Now, we\u2019re not promoting human-animal marriage because it\u2019s really, really illegal and it\u2019s a bit weird.<\/p>\n

But consider this: if you marry someone from another country in today\u2019s world, you can eventually apply for citizenship of that country. So, if the apes decide to keep our conventions (and why wouldn\u2019t they?), marrying a monkey means that you\u2019ll be granted citizenship of the planet of the apes and thus won\u2019t be made a slave. You might even get a nice job in the civil service!<\/p>\n

The success of this plan rests in making yourself attractive to a monkey (see point #2)<\/p>\n

\n<\/hr>\n

Become a hilarious ‘animal’ sidekick in the movies<\/h4>\n

\"monkey\"<\/a><\/p>\n

As it stands, most people find apes very, very funny. They\u2019re cheeky, and they get up to all kinds of antics, and they\u2019ve got funny little faces and…well, you get the picture.<\/p>\n

With the roles reversed, who will play the part of the cheeky simian sidekick in slightly rubbish comedy movies? The apes might pick a completely different animal to succeed them, but we like to think humans will be the 1st<\/sup> in line. And if that is the case, you\u2019ll want to be cast for the sake of your survival.<\/p>\n

So, practise gurning and silly walks right now, even if you\u2019re at work or school. You\u2019ll be glad you did.<\/p>\n

\n<\/hr>\n

Buy a pet snake<\/h4>\n

According to a scientific report<\/a>, millions of years of evolution have made apes naturally afraid of snakes, even if they don\u2019t actually know what they are.<\/p>\n

Just remember to buy one that\u2019s not going to eat you too.<\/p>\n

\n<\/hr>\n

Never, ever, carry around food<\/h4>\n

Apparently, the leading cause of monkey attacks in the world is people carrying around food and not giving the monkey some.<\/p>\n

\n<\/hr>\n

Bop them on the head with a stick<\/h4>\n

It makes them run away, according to workers at Indian temples who swear by the technique.<\/p>\n

\n<\/hr>\n

We don\u2019t know about you, but we\u2019re suddenly feeling a lot better about this global ape domination thing!<\/p>\n

Share your tactics with us in the comments below, and enjoy Dawn of the Planet of the Apes<\/i>.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t forget, you can always make some emergency ape survival cash by selling your DVDs with musicMagpie too<\/a>!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If we told you that apes are going to overthrow humanity and take over the world, you\u2019d probably tell us to calm down and stop watching so many movies. But, with Dawn of the Planet of the Apes coming out today, there has been a lot of chatter about the …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":1071,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16,204],"tags":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.musicmagpie.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1068"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.musicmagpie.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.musicmagpie.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.musicmagpie.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.musicmagpie.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1068"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.musicmagpie.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1068\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3330,"href":"https:\/\/www.musicmagpie.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1068\/revisions\/3330"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.musicmagpie.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1071"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.musicmagpie.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1068"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.musicmagpie.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1068"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.musicmagpie.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1068"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}