A game of three halves - Charlie Croker

'There are two ways of getting the ball. One is from your own team-mates, and that's the only way.' Terry Venables

Filling in a credit card application form, Jason McAteer came to the question that asked: 'What is your position in the company?' his answer was 'right-back'.

An intelligent footballer is one whose I.Q. is higher than his shirt number. But it's not just the players. Managers, commentators, fans, bookmakers - it seems that anyone connected with football excels at verbal blunders.

Warning for footballers: You will need to turn this book over again before you can start reading it.