Halfwit nation by the daily mash - Neil Rafferty

Delivering the stories THEY don't want you to read, including:

People who know how to fucking park on brink of extinction
Fat kids to be chased to school by dogs
Vatican to build huge telescope in hunt for Jesus
Estate agents will starve to death, says upbeat report
UK threat level raised to 'Underpants'
Free bank with every new mobile
Britain strikes gold in sport no one watches
Ferguson apologises to premenstrual Reading fans
Beckham unable to pronounce 'Scientology'

Meanwhile Agony Aunt Petula Soul tackles a diverse range of bizarre sexual problems and astrologer Psychic Bob maps your mystic future ('There's always a chance you'll get something you have been wanting for a long time. But
there's a much bigger chance you won't').

Plus: opinion polls, talking dogs and an absolutely gigantic rat.

'Makes the New Testament look like a lot of insane, voodoo rubbish'
- Rt Rev. Tom Logan, St Clive's, Taunton