Mock the week - Dan Patterson

Modern life is a minefield. Fortunately, the creators of Mock the Week are here to give you advice on the important things in life: from office etiquette to camping holidays, the worst things to hear while sitting on the toilet -- and what not to say when passing through Customs . . . Categories include:Unlikely Things to Hear at a Funeral: 'Could whoever that is stop knocking, I'm trying to do the Eulogy!'Unlikely Things to Say on Your First Day in Prison: 'How thoughtful! Someone's left a bucket of chocolate mousse in the corner of my cell.'Guide to Keeping Tropical Fish: For a special treat, pour a smoothie slowly into the fish tank. They love that.Mountaineering Tips: Try to make sure you are accompanied by an experienced mountaineer or, failing that, someone really fat who will make for a soft landing.Medical Self-Diagnosis: If it comes out faster than gravity would normally allow, then there's something wrong.