You Are Sloth! - Steve Lowe

"Why you are sloth? Because fuck you is why! HAHAHAHAHA!!1!"

That's the last response you got from The Spammer, who's developed an insidious computer virus that transforms people into their power animals. You never should have opened that email from the Philippino Sherriff's Attache to East Berlin. So many missed warning signs there, but you were drunk last night. Things have been rough lately - you can't pay your rent, your neighbors are annoying, you keep getting strange calls from horny guys with unique and unsettling fetishes, you're way behind with work, and your computer is suddenly crapping out on you. And now you're a goddamn sloth. Nice going, genius. But there's more at play here than simple animal hijinks. You've been added to the Homeland Security Terror Watch List, and the cops want to question you about the mysterious disappearances of several gay men, who all seem to have called your phone just before they vanished. Not only has this Spammer fuck turned you into a sloth, he's framed your slow ass, too! You've had enough of this shit. With the help of your neighbors, Cross the Asshole and Randy the Retard, you form the SLOTH SQUAD. It's time to track that Spammer down and reap some three-toed vengeance on his ass.

You are Sloth!